Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Friday, May 15, 2009
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
應屆生就業形勢越來越嚴峻了！
網上抄的：
-------------
應屆生就業形勢越來越嚴峻了！
某公司招聘，幾百大學生爭相自報家門：
"我北大"！
"我交大"！
"我浙大"！
"我財大"！
"我人大"！
突然，一女生響亮聲起："我波大"！
董事長一拍桌說： 就你了!
眾人皆暈。。。。。。。。。
後董事長叫該女生到其私人辦公室，關門窗，拉窗簾，說：你波大拿出來看看 ~.~.~.~.~
該女生掏出畢業證 ^-----^ 寧波大學
-------------
應屆生就業形勢越來越嚴峻了！
某公司招聘，幾百大學生爭相自報家門：
"我北大"！
"我交大"！
"我浙大"！
"我財大"！
"我人大"！
突然，一女生響亮聲起："我波大"！
董事長一拍桌說： 就你了!
眾人皆暈。。。。。。。。。
後董事長叫該女生到其私人辦公室，關門窗，拉窗簾，說：你波大拿出來看看 ~.~.~.~.~
該女生掏出畢業證 ^-----^ 寧波大學
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
OLD LADY'S LETTER TO HER BANK
Get this from an e-mail.... this is funny!
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Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86-year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a Flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contract which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client.
Remember: This was written by an 86 year old woman) 'YA JUST GOTTA LOVE ' US SENIORS' !!!!!
--------
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86-year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a Flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contract which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client.
Remember: This was written by an 86 year old woman) 'YA JUST GOTTA LOVE ' US SENIORS' !!!!!
Thursday, February 19, 2009
A collection of classics...
Got this from an e-mail. GOOD.... especially #26!!
[1] Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter).
[2] I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.' - Eleanor Roosevelt.
[3] Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain.
[4] The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. - George Burns.
[5] Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge.
[6] Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain.
[7] What would men be without women? Scarce, sir…mighty scarce. - Mark Twain.
[8] By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates.
[9] I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx.
[10] My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante.
[11] The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. - Jilly Cooper.
[12] I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa ZsaGabor.
[13] Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine.
[14] Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. - Mark Twain.
[15] My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. -Ed Furgol
[16] Money can't buy you happiness . . . but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan.
[17] What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. - Henny Youngman.
[18] I am opposed to millionaires . .but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. - Mark Twain.
[19] Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up. - Joe Namath.
[20] Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. - Herbert Henry Asquith.
[21] I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope.
[22] I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. - WC Fields
[23] We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers.
[24] Don't worry about avoiding temptation . . . as you grow older, it will avoid you. - W. Churchill.
[25] Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty . . . but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. - Phyllis Diller.
[26] The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out. - Unknown.
[27] By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal
And MY favorite is a quote from Sir Winston Churchill:
A woman says to him, 'if I were married to you, I would poison your coffee' and he replies, 'if you were my wife, I'd drink it'.
[1] Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter).
[2] I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.' - Eleanor Roosevelt.
[3] Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain.
[4] The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. - George Burns.
[5] Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge.
[6] Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain.
[7] What would men be without women? Scarce, sir…mighty scarce. - Mark Twain.
[8] By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates.
[9] I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx.
[10] My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante.
[11] The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. - Jilly Cooper.
[12] I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa ZsaGabor.
[13] Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine.
[14] Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. - Mark Twain.
[15] My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. -Ed Furgol
[16] Money can't buy you happiness . . . but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan.
[17] What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. - Henny Youngman.
[18] I am opposed to millionaires . .but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. - Mark Twain.
[19] Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up. - Joe Namath.
[20] Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. - Herbert Henry Asquith.
[21] I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope.
[22] I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. - WC Fields
[23] We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers.
[24] Don't worry about avoiding temptation . . . as you grow older, it will avoid you. - W. Churchill.
[25] Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty . . . but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. - Phyllis Diller.
[26] The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out. - Unknown.
[27] By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal
And MY favorite is a quote from Sir Winston Churchill:
A woman says to him, 'if I were married to you, I would poison your coffee' and he replies, 'if you were my wife, I'd drink it'.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
Using super glue to seal wounds?
James told me that we can use AA super glue to seal wounds, that surprised me.
Googling a bit, I find James was actually telling the truth. However, there are some tricks. The regular household super glue is good for seal wounds in emergency, and was actually used at war, but there are side effects that can cause problems. In recent years, however, there is a new formula of super glue being approved by FDA and a number of such glue was marketed - not only for first aid but also used in other medical areas.
This web-page explains very clearly.
Having said that, I have no intention to try that. If I would (touch wood) have a deep wound, I would rather call the ambulance.
Googling a bit, I find James was actually telling the truth. However, there are some tricks. The regular household super glue is good for seal wounds in emergency, and was actually used at war, but there are side effects that can cause problems. In recent years, however, there is a new formula of super glue being approved by FDA and a number of such glue was marketed - not only for first aid but also used in other medical areas.
This web-page explains very clearly.
Having said that, I have no intention to try that. If I would (touch wood) have a deep wound, I would rather call the ambulance.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Calvin & Hobbs' Explanation of the Auto Industry
Calvin's (of Calvin & Hobbs) explanation of his Lemonade Stand's
business perspective has a resonance to the American Auto industry's
position in the economy. Remember that this cartoon was drawn over 15
years ago!
Friday, December 12, 2008
Clueless 'Millionaire' Contestant Makes Worst Use Of Lifelines Ever
Get it from e-mail....
NEW YORK - Idaho resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family Tuesday when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance on the popular TV show, 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.'
It seems that Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question, and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing 'the absolute worst use of lifelines ever.'
After being introduced to the show's host Meredith Vieira, Evans assured her that she was ready to play, whereupon she was posed with an extremely easy $100 question. The question was:
'Which of the following is the largest?'
A) A Peanut
B) An Elephant
C) The Moon
D) Hey, who you calling large?
Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she realized that this was a question to which she did not readily know the answer.
'Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie,' said Evans, as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief and disgust. 'I mean, I'm sure I've heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be.'
Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50. Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure.
'Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!' exclaimed Evans. 'Darn. I think I better phone a friend.'
Using the second of her two lifelines on the first question, Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office assistant.
'Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I'm on TV!' said Evans, wasting the first seven seconds of her call. 'Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest? B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds hun.'
Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon. Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds.
'Come on Betsy, are you sure?' said Evans. 'How sure are you? Puh, that can't be it.'
To everyone's astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend's advice and pick 'The Moon.'
'I just don't know if I can trust Betsy. She's not all that bright. So I think I'd like to ask the audience,' said Evans.
Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor of answer C, 'The Moon.' Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life.
'Wow, seems like everybody is against what I'm thinking,' said the too-stupid-to-live Evans. 'But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut. So, let's see. For which is larger, an elephant or the moon, I'm going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer.'
Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath, and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, 'The Moon.'
NEW YORK - Idaho resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family Tuesday when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance on the popular TV show, 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.'
It seems that Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question, and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing 'the absolute worst use of lifelines ever.'
After being introduced to the show's host Meredith Vieira, Evans assured her that she was ready to play, whereupon she was posed with an extremely easy $100 question. The question was:
'Which of the following is the largest?'
A) A Peanut
B) An Elephant
C) The Moon
D) Hey, who you calling large?
Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she realized that this was a question to which she did not readily know the answer.
'Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie,' said Evans, as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief and disgust. 'I mean, I'm sure I've heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be.'
Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50. Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure.
'Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!' exclaimed Evans. 'Darn. I think I better phone a friend.'
Using the second of her two lifelines on the first question, Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office assistant.
'Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I'm on TV!' said Evans, wasting the first seven seconds of her call. 'Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest? B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds hun.'
Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon. Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds.
'Come on Betsy, are you sure?' said Evans. 'How sure are you? Puh, that can't be it.'
To everyone's astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend's advice and pick 'The Moon.'
'I just don't know if I can trust Betsy. She's not all that bright. So I think I'd like to ask the audience,' said Evans.
Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor of answer C, 'The Moon.' Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life.
'Wow, seems like everybody is against what I'm thinking,' said the too-stupid-to-live Evans. 'But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut. So, let's see. For which is larger, an elephant or the moon, I'm going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer.'
Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath, and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, 'The Moon.'
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Sunday, June 08, 2008
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
What Does Your Birth Date Mean?
***Your Birthdate: March 17***
You tend to find yourself lucky - both in business and in life.
And while being wealthy is nice, you enjoy sharing your abundance with others.
You put your luck to good use: you are very ambitious and goal oriented.
Often times, you get over excited and take on more than you can manage.
Your strength: Your ability to make your own luck
Your weakness: Thinking you can do it all
Your power color: Bronze
Your power symbol: Half Moon
Your power month: August
You tend to find yourself lucky - both in business and in life.
And while being wealthy is nice, you enjoy sharing your abundance with others.
You put your luck to good use: you are very ambitious and goal oriented.
Often times, you get over excited and take on more than you can manage.
Your strength: Your ability to make your own luck
Your weakness: Thinking you can do it all
Your power color: Bronze
Your power symbol: Half Moon
Your power month: August
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Wired wireless
A battery free wireless mouse, how a nice idea!! Too bad the mouse cannot be used on any surface but the dedicated mouse pad, which must be WIRED via the USB port.
Stupid!!
Monday, August 20, 2007
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
A lawyer story
Get the following story via chain-mail the second time, don't know if it's true or not. The first time I read this story was a few years back, so it's not new. But I still think it's funny and can resist to blog it. There it goes.
-------------
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued and WON!
(Stay with me.)
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable "fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".
NOW FOR THE BEST PART...
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
ONLY IN AMERICA , NO WONDER THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES THINK WE'RE NUTS!
-------------
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued and WON!
(Stay with me.)
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable "fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".
NOW FOR THE BEST PART...
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
ONLY IN AMERICA , NO WONDER THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES THINK WE'RE NUTS!
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